On the Internet, I came across a very optimistic article about the prospects of the personal life of a single mother. People who said such women were “second-rate” were decisively repulsed by both male and female readers. It gladdens me. Yet, they also said things which might prevent men from entering in a relationship with single mothers. I noted that not all the negative aspects of being in a relationship with a single mother are objective and can’t be fixed.
The problem is women miss one very important thing. No matter who the father of the child is, it is her child. A man needs to know that the child is his, too. He needs to know he and the child are blood related. He wants to take care of his children and doesn’t want to take care of the children fathered by another male. Women understand this only when they become step-mothers themselves.
Yes, step-mothers and step-fathers may sincerely love their stepchildren or a man can love the child which is in fact not his because he doesn’t know it. Either way, it’s self-deception. The relations between the child and his non-biological parents play an important role, too. Often, adoptive parents return their adopted children to the orphanage because they just can’t accept them. They can’t find anything in the child that would remind them of themselves and feel aversion to him. Some women feel aversion to their biological children.
Don’t you believe me? 60% of murdered children are murdered by their mothers. Women beat their children four times as often as men. According to a survey conducted by Non-profit Parenting Advocacy Group, in 1993 out of 1500 murdered children, 1170 of them were murdered by women, 330 of them were murdered by men and only 14% of them were their biological fathers.
The phrase “If you love me, you should love my child, too” is as foolish as the assumption that a woman with children is second-rate. What you feel to a child has nothing to do with your feelings to his mother. The child can’t love you and stop loving you following an order and so can’t you.
Let’s see what men write about it.
“I love her madly (and she loves me). When I had a chance to have a child together with the woman I once loved, I decided not to, but now I can’t accept my girlfriend’s child. I have to break up with her.”
“Surprisingly, but among all the women I know, I enjoy spending time with single mothers most. In some cases our mutual affection could grow into something bigger… But what if the father comes back… she’ll sure to compare us… I won’t be able to replace the kid’s biological father… That’s what stops me.”
“I’m 40. 14 years ago I fell in love with a woman with a 5-year old son. I doubted for a long time but then we started living together and got married.
The child’s proved to be a monster. I took care about him, supported him financially, but got nothing in return. Yet, I was still in love with that woman. Then she got pregnant and we have a boy. I can’t find words to describe how happy I am. I love this little thing with all my heart!
So, the older one is 19, he doesn’t want to study, doesn’t listen to me, and can’t do anything well (genes). I don’t love my wife as much as I did before. I want a second child, but she doesn’t. I can’t help blaming the older one and my son is my only comfort. I start thinking of grabbing him and going whenever my feet will carry me.”
“I can’t and I don’t want to become a father for another man’s child. Given what a degenerate her (daughter’s) father is, I can’t imagine what she will be like when she grows up. And it doesn’t even matter. What matters is that she’s NOT MY DAUGHTER. I don’t want to take care of someone’s child when I have to have my own children. Speaking of whether that woman will want to have a child with me, maybe. I don’t know about others, but I not only dislike children who are not mine, I hate them. That’s what I am and I can’t change it. I can only try not to pay attention to it, but it’s eating me from the inside. This child is a stumbling block which makes me hate her even more.
There’s one more thing. She’s never loved her imbecile. She’d never dated men and married him because of his money. She endures constant humiliation but gave birth to his child. It’s just driving me crazy. Does this woman have any self-respect at all?
And now I don’t know what to do. I love her but I can’t take the next step given all this. It makes me sad that the mistakes we made in the past (in this case it’s her mistake) don’t let us be with those we love today. I don’t want to give up and I don’t think I will ever fall out of love with her. I’m used to her, we’re a perfect match. If it weren’t for that child, we could be happy. So I will let her live her life and be with her husband whom she’s chosen herself. I have to leave her, even though I love her very much.”
“Guys, I understand what you’re going through. My wife has a 12-year old daughter. She’s a nice girl, calm and not jealous, but I can’t help thinking that she’s nobody to me. I mean it, nobody. I can’t do anything about myself. She’s getting on my nerves more and more. Plus I can’t help blaming myself for treating an innocent child this way. Turns out our family’s sort of defective. There’s you and her, and there’s her daughter and this daughter’s father who turns up occasionally. It just doesn’t feel right. Not every man can stand it. It requires a certain way of thinking and a simple couldn’t-care-less attitude.”
“Any man wants to start a family and bring up HIS children, but not the children with the genes passed on from another man (as you know, such key characteristics as appearance, health and mental abilities depend on the genes) and it’s a law of nature! And you, women, are trying to manipulate us with such notions as ‘egoism,’ ‘dignity,’ ‘honesty,’ ‘responsibility,’ etc. to make us do what we can’t do and don’t want to do and refer to true love. And what a ridiculous position that if a man loves a woman, he will also love her children! Children are the result of love, so your child will remind your man of the fact that once you loved another man and belonged to him… On top of that, you’re a perfect example of the fact that everything passes, including love…”
Pay your attention to the last three opinions. Many men are jealous of the past, secretly or openly. They aren’t bothered by their current rivals as they have a chance to win, while the man from the past has already won, the symbol of his victory being his off-spring. The less confident a man is, the more jealous he will be of his woman’s past and the more likely it is that his jealousy will start poisoning his relationships. To be with a man like this, a woman has to be a gifted psychologist. Otherwise, the relationship is doomed to failure.
Look what a man’s pride can make him say,
“And now remember how she treated guys like you 10 years ago. She thought we were losers and fucked the bullies who made fun of you at school. But time goes by and new heroes come. Now he’s an unemployed alcoholic and you’re a decent man with a good job. She claims she’s begun seeing clearly and wants to be with you, but hold on. Isn’t it humiliating for you to bring up a child of some moron who banged your wife (and believe me she enjoyed it) who would refused even to look at you?”
The problem of the feeling of being unrelated to a child and accepting him as your own often goes together with the problem of hierarchy, the place the step-father takes in the woman’s life. The other day, I came across the following phrase in one of the women’s blogs, “I hate when they say that someone ‘married a woman with a child.’ In fact, the man is let in a family consisting of a mother and a child who love each other and enjoy playing with each other, going for a walk and watching movies together. They let him be part of their family, of their world.” In this case, the man is not needed. The woman doesn’t want to start a family with this man as she already has one. The man is on a never-ending probation and constantly has to prove something to someone.
Sometimes, the man is the last person a single mother cares about. Above all, she cares about her child, her mother and other relatives and only after that she thinks about him. The man takes the responsibility for providing for the family and bringing up the child (not his), makes certain sacrifices and hopes that the woman will see it, appreciate it and respect him for it, but all he gets in return is indifference. Note that I’m writing not about the tyrants who keep reminding their wives about having to marry them with a child to make them feel guilty. I write about average men whose interests are held cheap by women.
It seems that women can change their priorities but the problem’s rooted in their feelings and outlook. The man is cared about when he’s appreciated and vice versa. Some women care about themselves too much and treat men as their servants, which often leads to a divorce.
The problem of single mothers is not that all these women are wicked, but because many of them have the wrong attitude towards men and relationships. Can a grown-up woman change her attitude? It’s hard to say. I’d say no. But the woman is not hopeless if she not a double-dyed egotist who lives only for herself.
Let’s see what men think about it.
“A woman with a child! Sorry, but it’s a family. It’s not a broken family but still it’s a family with its own laws and principles. The head of this family is… (wait for it!) the kid! Yes! The kid! The kid’s the emperor! Then goes the emperor’s mother (your girlfriend) and then her mother (grandmother). Then it gets complicated – it’s your girlfriend’s father, sisters, brothers and friends. Luckily, you go next. Are you excited? Don’t you forget that the aim of any woman is a child and a man is only a tool to achieve this aim. What does a man want? It’s simple. He wants to be loved, cared about and understood. And? He won’t get any if it! No way! Some hope that having a child together will solve the problem. Bullshit! The child will make things even more complicated. It will make the older child angry and jealous, while his mother will accuse you of disregarding him.”
“To begin with, her child will always mean the world for her. She’s interested in your money as she knows the life and knows what to do ‘milk’ you. Are you thinking of starting a family? Don’t be na?ve. SHE ALREADY HAS A FAMILY that consists of her and her child. They have their own habits and rituas and no one will let you interfere. Instead, they will try to change you to meet their requirements.”
“I’ve been dating a single mother for 3 years and I know what you’re talking about. To be honest, I’m thinking of breaking up with her. As someone said, the girl has to have a head on her shoulders. She has to understand that it’s not that easy for a man either to always play their way. I’m 26 and I don’t remember what it’s like having a beer with friends on a Saturday evening or picnicking. The child changes your life greatly. More importantly, the girl has to treat the man with respect instead of bitching like mine (‘you have 5 minutes to pick me up!’ ‘I want this, not that!’), arguing with me and trying to prove that she’s right. And even if I prove otherwise, she says she feels hurt and blames me for it anyway.”
“Sadly, many women stick to the idea that they’re no worse than the women without children. This assumption is nothing but self-protection. They lie to themselves to feel better. Girls, YOU without children and YOU with children (without a husband) are two different people for a man. Don’t you see it? How can you compare a regular girl and a mother? Don’t waste your time on illusions. If you’re a single mother and want to have a family, pay your attention to the man’s feelings and family instincts. DON’T LET HIM IN. BECOME PART OF HIS FAMILY. It’s very important.”
Well said! Ladies, please, think about it. It’s a key to success.
The problem of the feeling of being unrelated to a child and the problem of disregarding the man and his authority usually go together and lead to a third problem, that is upbringing the children who are not yours. The conflicts you will have are several times as bad as the conflicts between the child and his biological father. Why? Let’s find out.
“In my opinion, there’s a certain line in children’s upbringing you shouldn’t cross but you have to. Let me explain. You take the responsibility for upbringing the 4-year old son of his wife. The achievements of the boy make you two closer. Even if you don’t feel paternal love, you become good friends. You play with him, read books for him, draw and teach him to ride the bicycle. ‘HE’S A GOOD FATHER!’ you wife thinks, discussing your merits with your mother-in-law. But then the time comes when the child begins to misbehave. ‘I don’t want the book, I want a computer!’ ‘I don’t want the soup, I want a pizza!’ What do biological fathers do?
The problem is that you will have to deal with your wife’s maternal instinct. ‘Why are you shouting at the child? Are you going to punish him? Why are you prohibiting it?’ Following her instincts, she tries to protect her child from a stranger. Without knowing it, she reminds you of the fact that you’re not the real father. Men are deeply hurt when it happens (unless they don’t give a damn about you and your off-spring). To avoid scandals in the future, you let them have it their way. As a result, the child gets hooked up on computer games and doesn’t study well. And the worst thing is… YOU are made responsible for it!”
“The child is a large STOP for a man. At first everything may be all right: love, games, presents, etc. But as the child grows up, you can get a stab in the back from the child or his mother if anything goes wrong. The child will always listen to his mother, while you will remain a stranger forever.”
“Your wife will keep telling you that ‘This child’s not yours’ all your life.”
“Every time you try to teach the child something, his mother will interfere and the child will always take his mother’s side.”
“I’m going to say a horrible thing. Some KIDS are MOSTERS and a cute 9-year old girl with a smile on her face can prove to be a cheating lazy bitch who will do all kinds of mean things to you, aware of the fact that she won’t be punished for it. Do you think you really want it?”
“Get used to the idea that you’re always wrong. Step-fathers and step-mothers are always bad and you will always have to prove otherwise. The child will be questioned by all your ill-wishers (you have plenty of them, trust me) about you, so don’t even think of raising your voice while talking to him or he may mention it!
Speaking about the ill-wishers… Don’t forget that the kid has a biological father, two grandmothers and two grandfathers (and a bunch of other relatives you don’t give a damn about) for whom you’re NOTHING, a stranger (unless you’re one of the GAZPROM top managers) who turned up in their life out of nowhere.
You will hear all the time that ‘You have to make the child like you!’ You HAVE to… Does the child have to make you like him? If you haven’t changed your mind yet, I have to warn you that you will have only one child who will be your child. He will be born as a favor, to make you stay, to make you stop whining. Don’t even think of having a second child. Either you won’t be able to afford it or she’ll do whatever it takes not to get pregnant. To make a long story short, you owe everyone but no one owes anything to you. You’re always wrong, greedy and a bad parent. And ‘don’t shout at him’ when he’s cut your jacket! ‘You knew about the child and it was your decision to get married’!”
“The child took little after his mother. He looks exactly like his biological father. As I dislike that man, I can’t like his off-spring either. I was sorry for the child when he had a fever. I felt empathy and I think my paternal instincts have awakened in me. But in the morning… In the mornings in general… I can’t stand the noise, especially when it’s early or the day before we had a party… On such mornings, I want to kill myself or just escape.”
“I tried to become part of their world where the kid is the ruler and she and her mother are his servants. I think I succeeded. I played with the kid and he accepted me (perhaps, due to his age, he’s only 3 years old). But once it came to his upbringing, they started treating me like an enemy. ‘Don’t you dare to beat him! The only people who can do it are his mother and father (biological)!’ and so on. I slapped him once when he deserved it, because I wanted not only to play with him but also participate in his upbringing. I was wrong.”
“Here’s my story. I met a woman at work. She’s 40. I fell in love with her right away. We started dating. After a week, she decided to introduce me to her 4-year old child. He appeared to me a pampered, egoistical child. It was summer but he was snow-white. I started taking them to the beach. Every time the child entered the water and I allowed him to, I became their number one enemy. Anyway, I loved that woman and after a while I left my wife and moved into her apartment.
I could accept a little girl, but not the boy. He does and says what he wants with his mother’s full support (sometimes I feel like spanking him as parents should do). Whenever I try to influence him, I become their number one enemy. I can tell you for sure that this overprotection spoils kids. Why spend all your salary on toys when the apartment’s crammed with them?
When I try to reason saying that in a few years he won’t need all these toys, she replies that she’s been waiting for her baby for a long time and works and lives for him. This is when I want to ask her, ‘Why do you need me?’ As I understood it later, she needed me to drive the child to the kindergarten and the speech therapist (while his mother was chatting in social networks), buy groceries and take them out when my wife doesn’t feel like cooking. To be honest, for all my help I was allowed to fuck her once a day.”
Let’s not forget that the biological father has a right to take part in the child’s upbringing. What is he like? Will we get on well? Will he cause troubles? Will he teach the child something that contradicts what I teach him? Men who are about to become step-fathers often ask themselves these questions. Besides, it drives some men crazy when they learn about their ex-wives’ new relationships. Such men not only play dirty tricks on their ex-wives, they sometimes come to realize that they still love them. Another question is what the woman’s reaction will be.
Problems with the child’s upbringing may encourage the woman to return to her ex-husband. The step-father feels powerless and starts paying less attention to the kid, but it makes the situation even worse. That’s why the woman has to keep a close eye on the man, support him and never make him jealous. The man and the woman have to agree from the very beginning on the rules to follow. If the woman wants the man to help with her child’s upbringing, she has to let him do what he thinks is right. Otherwise, she might provoke a breakup.
On top of that, for most single mothers, men are nothing but a source of income. The same can be applied to single women without children, but in this case it’s less evident.
Here’s an example.
“I have two nephews and I love them. Children like me too and always ask me to play with them. But one day my girlfriend said that her child and money to provide for him are two most important things in her life. She doesn’t care about the rest. I keep asking myself, ‘Do I need it?’ The other day, I came across an article in a newspaper which said that for your girlfriend her child is her first priority. Then goes her mother and you. Unfortunately, this assumption is confirmed by my friend’s experience. He’s been dating a girl with a 6-year old son for over a year. She’s worn out his nerves, he spends on them all his money and the relationship with her ex-husband, mother, father, etc. is a web of intrigue.”
Here’s another interesting opinion.
“If your girlfriend has a child from another man, date this woman, not the child. You’ve chosen her, not her child. He’s not your problem and you’re not his care-taker. If a man has self-respect and wants others to respect him, he should act in his own interest but not in the interest of this child. Besides, a man with self-respect won’t allow his woman to neglect him because of anyone. If the woman brings her child on a date, your interest will surely come into a conflict with her maternal instincts.”
Women don’t like it when men take into consideration possible risks and think about their future. But are you, ladies, that excited at the idea of marrying a widower with children? How many of you are willing to become stepmothers? Below is a woman’s opinion on the subject.
“A true mother is not the one who gave birth to a child, but the one who decided to become a mother and gave the child everything he needed, including what he needed most, a family. It’s true. A lot depends on the man, but the woman plays a crucial role. It is not easy to be in a relationship with a woman who’s been through it already. Perhaps, the woman’s become wiser, more patient and maybe even prettier. But can she be sure that she doesn’t make the same mistakes? If she failed to preserve one relationship (which he child needed most), how can she be sure that she’ll be able to preserve a new one? And how much should a man love her to accept her, her child and her ex-husband?”
We can’t and shouldn’t blame men. Some of them don’t even want to take care of their own children! But there are exceptions. Sometimes men actually become happy marrying a single mother. However, the majority makes the same mistakes.
“I would never marry a man who has a child from another woman.”
Below is another interesting opinion. The woman is perhaps a little too straightforward and generalizes things, but she’s right about one thing: a broken family as a mass phenomenon is a result of the collapse of the traditional value system; a single mother is not always a victim of the circumstances – she bears the fruits of her own mistakes, including the one concerning the choice of her child’s father. A thoughtless marriage, a thoughtless divorce… She’s followed the false guidelines and made mistakes which she has to pay for. Note that I’m not talking about all divorced women. But don’t you agree with me that 75-85% of divorces initiated by women is madness?
“I am horrified by divorced women with children and I totally understand men who don’t want to have anything to do with them. I can’t even talk with them – so spoiled they are. Marrying them is a suicide! Their moral insanity and distorted values are seen in the comments they leave. These women usually approve of abortions, lechery, prostitution and other terrible things. They approve of divorces and consider it a natural phenomenon. They are all haughty and refuse to admit the fact that they are fallen women in comparison with unmarried and married normal girls. They write that the child is the most important thing for them. What do they mean by it? A woman can have a dozen of children and only one husband. Aren’t they crazy? Finally, in their opinion, men should be in the seventh heaven taking care of other men’s children, meaning committing an act of genocide of themselves. Following their logic, the next generation will have less ‘real men’ and ‘non-egoists’ and what should the future divorced girls do, the ones being brought up by the current divorced women?”
Let’s calm down and think about the key sentence in the above citation. In my opinion, that is “A woman can have a dozen of children and only one husband.” This one sentence reflects the essence of patriarchy, traditional system of moral values and Christian approach to the family. Now, matriarchy is trying to bury all that. “A woman can have a dozen of husbands and only one child.”
Let’s not discuss which of the value systems is better for a woman. Pay your attention to the fact that that sentence implies permanent extinction of the matriarchal society. It can destroy the civilized patriarchy but is doomed to be destroyed by the barbarian patriarchy, along with all the achievements of the civilization which are incompatible with barbarism. But the woman of today refuses to think about the future and doesn’t care about the life of her great granddaughter. She’s the one who makes mistakes today, while her great granddaughter will be the one to pay for the mistakes made.
You try to explain to women that broken families pose danger to the children but they wouldn’t listen to that “stupid statistics!” “I have a wonderful child, just like my friends who are single mothers, too.” Yeah, what mother will reproach her child and say that she brings him up in the wrong way unless the situation is critical?
But once two single mothers meet as mothers-in-law…
The wife’s mother, “Real men have become extinct. It’s so hard for a girl to meet a decent man to marry. My poor girl. She’s got mixed up with a poor and selfish mummy’s boy. Boys shouldn’t grow up without a father. That’s why now men are either criminals or fools.”
The husband’s mother, “Look at yourself and your daughter! She’s a princess and wants all people to do what she wants. She’d do anything for money. All she can do is hanging out at night clubs and bars. And she’s 30. What wife and mother is she? My son and grandson live in a dump because of her!”
Amazingly, but they both are right when they talk about each other’s children.
Fortunately, good children grow up in one-parent families too. It’s a rare thing because usually single mothers can’t give their children everything they need, such as love, care, education… They usually come down to despotism or total permissiveness.
A woman with a child is not doomed to loneliness if she finds the solution to the three problems described above.
In conclusion, I’d like to warn single mothers against love affairs with men who have too much pride and are eager to succeed in life. It doesn’t end well. It doesn’t matter how old the man is. Even a 30-year old man can believe that love can bear anything and is always accompanied by mutual respect and understanding. If you want something, it doesn’t mean you can get it.
A man should enter into a relationship with a single mother with a clear understanding of all the problems he will face and readiness to solve them together with the woman. Also, he should be ready to make certain sacrifices for which he can’t blame the woman, ever. It has nothing to do with the facile optimism of infantile men or the readiness to sacrifice of “mountain climbers” who conquer the heart of a woman like they do Mount Everest.
There’s a sight difference between such feelings as high self-esteem and self-love and one can turn into the other. High self-esteem is as dangerous as an unhealthy craving for self-fulfillment. It is difficult for people with high self-esteem (they usually have a lot of inferiority complexes) to accept the woman’s past, not mentioning the child’s biological father who has a right to take part in his upbringing. As a result, a man has to make certain sacrifice, understanding that he sacrifices more than he would if the child was his. It causes discomfort and prevents the couple from being happy. Such men usually talk about the exes as “second-rate.”
The couldn’t-care-less attitude and the knowledge of psychology are not enough. Men should have a stable state of mind, kind heart and be confident. Neither the romantic character from Ivanhoe or the proud d’Artagnan fit for this role. Porthos does!
Good luck in love!
© Witch Reddy